Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
