So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
