I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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