mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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