Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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