Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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