Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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