I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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