I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
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All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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