Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
