no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just gargled with NyQuil
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
