I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
me + whiskey = a bad person
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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