At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
