I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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