Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
