I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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