I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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