too bad you live with your parents still
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
