I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
