just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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