he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't put those talents on a resume
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
