The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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