I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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