Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
