There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
