I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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