Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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