Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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