i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize