I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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