Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
