Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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