if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
