I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
