And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
