Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
