I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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