u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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