if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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