i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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