I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How does it feel to date your dad?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
