She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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