the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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