She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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