I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
