Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
