The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
