I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
