Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
