If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
