32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
