You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
