if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
