when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
