tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just invented taco cereal.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
