I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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