I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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