So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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