You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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