You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
