Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
