i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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